Dear Aeva

1) If you read this, please make an account so that you can "follow" the blog, and that I can see who is reading this or not. Thanks.

Dear Aeva,

This is going to be ridiculous to you when, and if, you read this when you are older. What teenage girl likes to read things her mother wrote to her when she was an infant? I hope you do. I heard a phrase on a lame TV show today, and I'm going to take it and do it my way, to you, my little girl.

When babies are born, we are amazed at their little feet, their little hands, and the little miracle that they are. Some babies come into this world under extraordinary circumstances, and make their presence known. You, my dearest little girl, are one of those babies. You came into this world under the most extraordinary, stressful, traumatic, sporadic...and loving...situations.

Being a baby concieved merely on love during your dad's mid-tour leave from his second tour in Iraq, you've been special from conception. You're our souvenier from Daddy's leave. We wanted nothing more than to have you.

When it was decided that you were to come into the world, it was again love that brought us all through. Your daddy was there for me in every way, and we hoped we could keep you inside just a little longer...we wanted you to be okay. Making an entrance, your presense inside of me was hurting me as much as your birth was about to. I felt terrible you were coming early. It took a very,very, very, very long time for me to come to terms with your early birth. When you read this, I'll probably still cry talking about your entrance into this world.

You didn't coming out kicking and screaming, rather, you came out blue (at least that's what I hear). You took your first breathe and made the cutest little sound....and that sound allowed me to breathe. The subsequent three months were the hardest things your father and I had had to go through in our lives.

You were so small...yet so strong. You've had a presense about you since birth. Such a strong little girl, and so totally my hero. You're asleep on my chest right now after finishing a bottle; you're 5 months old. So little, and such a big girl to us already, and you have no idea how much you have already gone through. You truly are my hero, Aeva.

I hope on these little feet that one day you will be able to stand on them alone, successfully, from the tools we have taught you.

I hope on your cute little baby tushy, that when you fall, you know we'll always be here to help you get back up.

I hope that your tummy's hunger is never sacrificed to fit into a pair of jeans...I hope that we give you a good sense of self and self esteem that you do not fall into the media's scheme of targeting young girls into thinking they need to be skinny.

I hope your heart is open to love, and to be loved. I hope that you notice the love your dad gives you and I, and take his example and apply it towards whom you should marry. Your daddy is the only man who will ever love you NO MATTER WHAT. He will always protect you, and you will always be HIS little girl. Accept nothing less from another man, than the standard of which your dad has created.

I hope these bright blue eyes are open to see the world. I hope they are accepting to other cultures, people, and see the good in people, and in the world.

I hope these ears are open to listen...to the sounds of nature...to the sounds of disparate opinions that you inevitably will hear throughout your life.

I hope your mouth with speak nothing of goodness, intelligent thoughts, and eloquence.

And I hope that this mind of yours is open to learning new things...every day. To be openminded about new ideas, new places, new people. I hope you read...travelling the world, space, and time.

Most importantly, I hope that we give you the tools to do this on your own. I hope we teach you to enjoy new places, and new people. To appreciate differing cultures, times, and places.

I hope you learn from the wisdom everyone in your life has to give you. I hope you learn discipline and self control. I hope you learn compassion towards those not as fortunate as you, and appreciation for all that we give you.I hope you learn patience and honesty.

I hope you realize that Daddy and I are the only ones, really, the only ones, who will be here for you no matter what you do, right or wrong. We will support you in all your endeavours, and help you acheive your dreams. Just remember that they are YOUR dreams.

The best things in life come in small packages, and my sweet little girl, you were once a tiny package. You may be small, but you made an entrance into the world with all eyes on you. Never let those eyes off you, and make every day the best that you can. Live your life how YOU want to live it.

Love,

Mommy

July Weight Check

Aeva went to the doctor yesterday for a weight check. She was 10lbs 9.2 oz, which is up 4 ounces from her Thursday appointment. Despite her formula embargo and constant fight of eating, she's still gaining. Awesome! AND, I've been letting her sleep a FULL night, of 7-8 hours. How badass is that?!! During the day I feed her between every 1.5-3 hours, dependant on how much she ate at her previous feeding.

Whatever works, ya know. As long as the food gets into her and she grows, it's all worth it.

I started another class last week, the Graduate Seminar in American History. This is my last required course, and I have one elective left to complete the coursework for my MA in American History. My professor had premature twin girls the DAY BEFORE Aeva was born. Hi babies were only in the NICU for like 3 weeks (lucky lucky lucky). They are about two pounds more than Aeva right now, but they were also almost 2 pounds more at birth. It's super cool to see that we are not the only crazy parents about germs...he and his wife are crazy about them too. Seriously, what about babies makes people think that it's okay to touch them? Do people not realize that babies will put their hands in their mouths after your grimey hands touch them? EW. Stay away from my baby you Wal-Mart shopping, baby touching, wierdo. lol

School is hard. I had started two courses, but dropped one because there just aren't enough hours in the day, and it would be unfair to Aeva to devote my time to school rather than her. So one class it is. Besides, there's no rush anymore to finish this year. I can't apply for a PhD program to start the 2010 school year since we don't know where we will be stationed then. May as well take my time and keep my GPA up (its a 3.81) and devote more time to Aeva.

Right now my school problem is not know who, what, or when, in American HIstory to write about for my term paper. I have a week and a half to determine this, and I don't know. I don't know if I can do ten pages of biographical information. It gets boring ,you know. Grr.

And my friend Nikki just mentioned that this one lady had a blog about the "bad side of motherhood" meaning the stuff no one tells you, and when it went public, she made money from it so she didn't have to work anymore. Nikki had the idea of me becoming the voice of mothers of premature infants, making this blog public for everyone and anyone to read. I'm all for it. It's not as though I say anything on here that is rocket science or the solution to world peace.

I think it would be fun. Does anyone know how to make a blog public?

Aeva Update

So Aeva and I ventured the 915 mile trek to Anthony's home state of New Jersey for Anthony and my formal wedding this past weekend. One day prior to departure, Aeva decided to boycott eating, and rather than eat her normal 5 oz every 3 hours, she went to 2 or 3 oz every 3 hours. This went on the entire time we were in Jersey, and I thought that maybe it was the stress of the wedding from me, and that the stress of being in a new place with a lot (a LOT) of people was too much for her to handle.

When we came home, I thought it would get better, and it started to look as though it would. Thursday she ate well all day, but then Friday morning, she started screaming bloody murder again and the sight of a bottle.

Teething? Perhaps.

I took her to the doctor this afternoon, and he examined her, finding nothing physically alarming. Teething is not out of the question, but doc said that it more than likely would not cause her to fuss so much when she ate.

Her weight is right on target, with her weighing in at 10lbs 5 oz. She's at the age now that she should only be gaining 1-1.5lbs a month. If she continued to gain 2lbs/month, then she'd be over 20lbs at a year old, which is entirely too much.

We have a weight check again on Tuesday to check and make sure her food embargo isn't affecting her growth.

Until then, it's just my sanity that is at a loss.

Atleast she's not sick, and is doing fine.

Milestones

Most people aren't amused by the little things in life. Anthony and I, on the other hand, are amused by the little things that make us laugh. The majority of people who have babies do not monitor the progression of infant milestones. We, on the other hand, have been watching them since Aeva was first born.

When Aeva was first born, we were waiting to see her self soothe by finding her mid-line (draw a lvertical ine on your body at your bellybutton, and that's your midline). She found her midline, as well as went one step further and found her face.

These days, she's getting more and more advanced every day. She has been pushing up for a long time on our chests, but now, she's learning how to do it off the floor: she can almost do it!
She now will hold things placed in her hands, is making baby sounds and vowel sounds, is looking at things OTHER than Mommy curiously, and gets excited to do so. The other day I caught her reaching for something, but that is still accidental and not yet purposeful.

Everyday she's a new baby. She makes louder sounds, she kicks more, she flails her hands and arms more, she makes new sounds to communicate her needs. Yes, she's not where she should be for a four month old, but she's doing very well for being a preemie.

She LOVES Baby Einstien as well. She enjoys watching the bright movements and the other babies doing things. She gets excited during the videos, it is really cute to watch.

She also smiles now. Not often,but she does. Some days we'll sit on he floor and make faces at eachother. I'll make her smile, and that makes me laugh. My laugh makes her smile more, and attempt to laugh. It's super funny to watch, and it's great to watch her development, all at the same time.

Babies, when first born, clench their hands a majority of the time. As time goes on, a milestone is to see them sleep or sit with their hands more and more relaxed and open.
More and more often, I'll catch her with her hands open while she's chillin' or sleeping.

The little things in life have progressed from Anthony and I finding the humor in not so funny things, to sitting and watching Aeva sleep with her hands open...or listening to her make new sounds...or her grasping something new.

Right now she's trying to sleep in her bouncy seat, and she's got her little play keys in one hand. It's just too cute.

Update on Food

SO, the reflux medicine and the cereal in the formula failed to improve the puking situation. On Friday, June 5, Aeva had her 4 month well-baby visit where she had her physical and her shots. The weight on the scale that day showed 8lbs 5oz, which was down from Monday by 6 ounces. NOT GOOD. This weight showed suboptimal growth, which is terrible. The doctor wanted her back in a week to see her growth before taking the next step of referring her to a gastrointerologist to evaluate her stomach and intestines.

What a week. I was obsessive and stressed about her eating and weight gain the whole week. I even kept a journal of how much she ate and when, what each diaper was, and how many times she puked and how much.

This morning, June 11, we went in for a weight check...

drum roll please...


9lbs 2.2oz

Optimal growth! She left the hospital on May 8 weighing 7lbs, 3.3oz, so she is one ounce shy of gaining exactly 2lbs since discharge, 33 days ago! This growth is only about 4 ounces shy of what it should be, and is in the ideal range. No GI doc, no worries. So few worries that the doc wanted to see her at her next well baby, in 2 months! I, of course, thought that was too long to go, so we scheduled a weight check for in one month. July 14 Aeva will be weight again, with a target weight of just over 11lbs.

She SHOULD grow out of the puking, hopefully soon. Solids will be introduced most likely in September, her 5 months "adjusted" age, 7 months chronological. 3 months should give her enough time to mature a bit more and be able to take in and keep down some solid foods, cereals atleast.

To answer some questions;

1) Aeva eats from a Haberman nipple. It is specially designed for poor feeder babies. It allows that adult feeding her to control the flow she gets, rather than her controlling how much she gets. She's currently taking 4 oz about every 3 hours, keeping down a good 3.5oz. In about another week or 10 days, Ill up the amount she gets.
The doctor says that in teh "real world" people just feed their babies...well..I dont "just feed" her, I systematically increase the volume of her feeds as to not overwhelm her tummy. The last thing I need is MORE puke because she ate too much lol

2)She should out grow this. Keep your fingers crossed!


She is also developing nicely as she should. Everyday she moves more, and she has discovered the art of kicking her lower half! She's making 'real baby' sounds more and more each day, and is dicovering what toys are. She actually stares at them with a concerned look on her face wondering WTF those things are staring back at her. She's doing really well pushing up on the floor, she can almost do it well!!
Practice makes perfect, and she tries until she gets frustrated, and then I pick her back up. She does a good job.

Stupid Reflux Medicine

...Aren't working so far. 3 days into it, and she's still puking. I want to say not as often, but she's still puking. Thickened formula and reflux medicine isn't working. I can barely get the medicine into her. It has a strong minty smell to it, and when it gets into her mouth, she either a) throws up, or b) spits it out. This morning I actually got 95% of it into her.

She still pukes 3 hours after she eats, right before she eats again. She's up to 3.5 oz every now and then, and she keeps most of it down.

I think it's an air issue. She should keep more down by the time she starts solids in August.

We can only hope, right?

Reflux Appointment and Things that Bother Me

Aeva went to the doctor this morning for her reflux. I'm at my wit's end with it, and I'm pretty sure she's in pain from puking. The last thing we want is for her to get scared of eating from the association of eating with puking, and develop an oral aversion.

SO...We went and visited Dr. Engler. She is still gaining good weight, so he's not worried about her puking, but I am worried about her puking (any mother outranks doctor any day, right?). Her puking is interfering with developmental play time...I can't lay her on her back to play in her floor gym, or give her a lot of tummy time because...yes, she'll hurl.

So he agreed...we'll fix this. First thing first, reflux medicine...Zantac...or at least the generic version (Tricare doesn't cover name brand meds, only generic). When I gave it to her she spit it out. Strike one. We'll give it to her again later. (It's a twice daily med.)
Also, doc said to thicken her formula a wee bit, with either rice or oatmeal cereal.

I went straight to drop off the prescription, and to Wal-Mart to pick up some cereal.
Well WTF is the difference between oatmeal and rice cereals?! First I had to pick what brand I wanted. I knew I wanted organic, because it's the best for her. There was no organic rice cereal, but the Gerber said made with all natural single grain rice. Gerber it is.
There's a rice cereal (oatmeal too) that Gerber makes that is fortified with DHA, which supports brain and eye developement. Fortified rice cereal it is.

Rice cereal will also increase her caloric intake...so she'll gain even more weight now, lol

FYI: The only difference I saw on the nutritional labels was that oatmeal cereal had 2g of protien, and twice as much potassium. She gets vitamins once a day, so extra potassium isn't required.

So we tried this all AS SOON as we got home. She spit out the medicine. Super. I put in 1/2tsp of rice cereal per ounce of formula, and it seemed to work. So far so good. Let's see how this goes.
Maybe later on today she'll take her medicine!

She threw up a bit (eh, not much, really) with the second feeding of thickened formula. Super, its not working. Maybe in conjunction with the medicine it will work. Only a few more hours til I'll give it to her again.

********************************************************************************

The other day, while waiting to get her hip ultrasound, a girl sat next to me with a beast of a baby. She looked at Aeva and said "Awwwww so cute and so little, how old is she?"

Almost 4 months, I replied.

"Seriously? My baby is 3 weeks old and is almost 11 lbs."

Thank goodness they called Aeva back because I wanted to punch the bitch in the face.
I read in a book (Ant and I got some preemie books after Aeva was born, and one was on the emotional side of the event) that hearing people say ""awww so little" would be hard.
TURNS OUT IT WAS RIGHT. Saying that she is so little not only reminds me that she IS so little and WAS even SMALLER, but it neglects to acknowledge the fact that she's grown so much and is GINORMOUS. That's right: Huge.


Weight: 8lb 11.4oz
(.4 less than a WHOLE POUND gained in 2 weeks) Rock on.