It's Been a Long Time!

Holy moly, it's been a long time. I do miss my blog, as it has provided for some much needed venting, comfort, and healing. The majority of the blogs are from when Aeva first came home, and it's so nice to reflect back and see how far she really has come.

There's been a lot going on since I last posted...Aeva is just about 2.5 YEARS old now, talking, stubborn as hell, WALKING (okay running), and a bundle of fire and energy. She has her struggles, she's still fighting her fight, but we're so much closer to "normal" that it almost hurts.

She started preschool right after she turned 2 to catch up on some developmental "delays" the NICU follow up said she had. (She's since caught up on them) She's FINALLY off the stinkin' bottle, as of 3 weeks ago.

When she was 2, (the same week), she started thyroid hormone replacement treatment, as her thyroid was not functioning correctly. Who was right? Yea, THIS MOM WAS! I pushed and pushed and pushed for so long for her GI to do testing rather than push the stupid gtube, and they FINALLY did. Symptoms of hypothyroidism in children presents as poor weight growth, poor appetite, and delayed tooth eruption. Helllloooo, this kid is a poster child. She's never cried, ever ever, for a bottle, even as a small infant, never wanted to eat. She's 2.5 years old and JUST NOW getting her canines and bicuspid teeth, and her peers have had those for a YEAR!! In a few more months we should be seeing how the medicine has helped. She's eating SO SO SO mcuh now, I can't beleve she's still not gaining weight!

Her last fight to fight is the gtube with her GI. Cross your fingers.

She got tubes in her ears last week to alleviate all the fluid in her ears causing infections.

Next month we see speech therapy.
Feeding therapy still happens, but its working its way on out!

She's pint sized and full of life, and there's really nothing else I can ask for.

*******

As for me, I've had a lot going on myself since my last post. I went back to work when Aeva was 19 months old, and have loved ((almost)) every minute of it. Coming home to see what she's learned each day from Lindsey or from school makes every minute ((though not many)) I'm away from her worth it.

I finished my MA in history last summer, and the next month I started TEACHING! Each semester I get more and more classes, and I LOVE all my students! Each one brings such different things to my class, and I love getting to know them all and guide them in their academic careers. This upcoming semester I have 2 normal history classes, 2 "intro to university life" courses, and one special project of a learning community. I'm hoping to get a full time position next fall where I can teach part online, and part on campus.

I was given a really cool opportunity to teach in a learning community, where 18 freshman will take 6 of their core courses together over the next year. The curriculum is linked between the classes. Hard to explain effectively.

Other than that, life remains normal. My days are spent focused on Aeva and doing mommy duties. My nights are filled with projects and class prep. Craziness doesnt even begin to describe it.

Welcome to Holland

This "poem" is often referred to in the preemie momma world....just thought I'd post it for everyone to read because it's beautiful either way.



I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
 Written by 

Emily Perl Kingsley.

The Columbian Exchange

There's been a lot going on this month!

Aeva starts a new Gymboree class tomorrow, the next level up, despite [still] not walking. She hopefully will learn by seeing the other kids. Which reminds me....

I got a job. I finished my MA in History last month, and the History department at Austin Peay (of which I worked in prior to Aeva's birth) decided to give me a shot as an adjunct instructor! I teach one section of the first semester of the 2 semester American History survey course. That's right folks: I'm 23 and teaching at a university!! Seems like not all that long ago [very fast, hectic years ago] that I was an undergrad, too drunk to go to my history survey course. lol, Now I'm teaching it!
While I go to class, Aeva goes to our friend Lindsey's house. She has Carter, who is 15 months, and Wesley, who is almost 4. Aeva learns something new each time she sees them! She's trying to stand up on her own now, and took 7 steps yesterday! Even closer to *finally* walking!!!!

Aeva's 18 month appointment (a month late) is tomorrow, so we'll have an "official" height and weight.

Anthony will be home in October for RnR...we're so excited. I cant wait for him to see Aeva, and I hope she's walking by then!

Cupcakes!

So there's this new cupcakery in town, "The Sweetest Batch Cupcakery," and they sell oversized cupcakes in crazy flavors. Honestly, they aren't something to brag about. I ad a raspberry chocolate cupcake, and it tastes like it came from a box, and the frosting was buttercream with raspberry seeds in it.

So....

I decided to make my own.

I made chocolate raspberry cupcakes, from scratch. Chocolate cupcake, raspberry filling, and REAL raspberry buttercream frosting made from raspberry puree!

My awesome friend Kara is a phenomenal baker as well, and she made peanut butter cupcake with peanut butter chips, with a banana frosting with mini chocolate chips on top.

We traded some. :-)

We're going to make some crazy flavors.....and contemplating selling them in front of the cupcakery in town. :-) Is that evil?

The Blog ReVamp

Hello All!!
My apologies for neglecting the blog the last few....okay, many...months. Life has pulled us all in so many directions that blogging got left out. Let's try and catch up!

Aeva is now 18 months old actual, 15.5 adjusted. She's not quite walking yet, but she's working on it. She's come so very far, and she's doing well. She had [another] endoscopy in July to look at her throat, tummy, and upper intestines for signs of something that would explain the dry heaving at night and rampant vomiting. Everything came back pristine...if she is refluxing, its not acidic and causing damage, thanks to the medicine. All signs a "go" to try to let her sleep through the night and hope she doesn't dry heave....three weeks later, here we are....down to one bottle at night! She's down to 4 bottles all day, and up to about 24oz of intake!!! (30cal formula, of course) She's getting teeth {constantly} and is eating solids better and better! It's so awesome to watch her eat now...it's almost like a "normal" baby eating!

Yes, she's still on the bottle, regretfully. I hate seeing two year olds with bottles.....ew. At least Aeva wont be 2 and walking around with it...she still doesn't hold her own bottle. Her weak suck has made sippies impossible, but she took to a straw pretty well. She's not taking enough volume from a straw cup to wean her, and going "Cold Turkey" off the bottles isn't yet an option for her. It is growth and nutrition over oral motor skills, and right now, feeding is WAY more important that her being off the bottle. I guess it'll have to wait.

Aeva is in physical therapy (PT) for her lack of walking. Three weeks ago it started out with the PT lady saying she didn't have the muscle strength to walk (I call BS) and this week it was "wow!" because she's standing so much on her own now, and a lot more willing to hold my hands and walk. I've learned to set our goals for her in the short term, as to provide for less heartache. Aeva's walking goal is October 12, which would be 18 months adjusted. The goal is for her to walk up to Anthony in the airport when he comes home on leave...

Other than that, she has such an awesome personality. I would call it a "little" personality to fit her stature, but it's so far from a little personality, lol. She knows what she wants, and she knows who she wants attention from. No questioning it. lol



Anthony is deployed right now, set to return April 2011. He's busy, but he's doing well.

As for me? Well...where to start, really. I finished my master's program the end of July, and my newest diploma will have the conferral date of 15 August 2010. I've applied to a few places to teach history adjunct, but haven't heard back yet.
My attempt to return to the gym was foiled by a little princess I know who hates people. All well?
So for now I'm a stay at home mommy, working with Aeva to get up to speed with her peers. My days are filled with toddler activities, playdates, Gymboree, and cooking experimentally, lol.

And that, my followers, is where the sidewalk ends for now. I promise to get better at the blog again. Maybe I'll start blogging new recipes I find and try out? Anyone interested?

Goodness, Its Been Forever!

My apologies for not writing in the last....two months. My bad.

There's so much to catch you up on!! (Or at least it feels like it)

Anthony got back from Arizona the beginning of October. He was lucky enough to get to hang out with Aeva and I for SEVEN weeks before returning to work. He is staying here at Fort Campbell, and we hope we will be here after this next deployment. Rumor has it, he will be leaving in May 2010 for a year. Yes, another deployment. The 101st has year on, year off rotation schedule.

Upon returning to work, Anthony has found he enjoys the new people he works with.

Aeva is almost 10 months old now. Her last weight check almost a month ago had her weighing in just over fourteen pounds. Still very small, but healthy. She's still refusing to eat: some days I can't get enough into her, and other days I can't get anything into her. Constant battle with this girl. She's still teething, with nothing to show for it. She's not on a sleep schedule, for we just let her do her own thing. Its best that way...why force it? And yes, she still sleeps with us. She refuses to sleep in her crib. She curls up on her side and faces me to sleep...its super super cute.

Aeva returns to feeding therapy on Dec. 7, but with a new feeding therapist this time. She did not do the things her previous therapist said she would (like start to open her mouth for a spoon) and is in need of learning to do so. When she does like to eat, she will open her mouth a little when the spoon is placed on her lips. She chews just fine.

She's sitting on her own, and loves to use our hands and pull herself up to the standing position! No progress on crawling, but she may be that kid who skips crawling.

I am on extension #2 for my Seminar in History for my term paper...almost done...finally. After this, I was approved to take my comprehensive exams early. It proves beneficial that I take them prior to the completion of my course work (I have one class left) because Anthony will be home to watch her while I 1) study, and 2)take the 6 hour exam. I applied for graduation, and the process has begun. I also was invited to the International Golden Key Honor Society....and I accepted. Its an honor society for good students with a GPA over 3.75. I guess I did good. I still dont see it being an accomplishment when I completed (Am completing) the program completely online.

Other than that, not much is going on here. I promise one day Ill get back into writing more often.

Weekend with Daddy

She and I so make that same face! (See pic and Ant and I to your right in the side column)

Aeva and I travelled to Arizona to visit Daddy. We had an awesome time! We had some quality time sleeping together and getting to play as soon as we woke up in bed!!!

Aeva and Daddy did some internet surfing time together.
Aeva showing Daddy her moves.
Mommy went away to the spa for some Mommy time, and this is what Aeva and Daddy did: LOL
I love this picture of these two: there's a pic similar to this of my daddy and I when I was only a few weeks old.

We had a great time seeing Anthony. We hung out in our hotel room most of the time, and Aeva got a little sick. Nothing to worry about! It was nice seeing Anthony with his little girl, and letting them bond. (It was also nice to have a bit of a break!!!) mmmm spaaa....

Lots to Catch Up On

I apologize...there's a lot to catch up on, since there's been a LOT going on.

Where to start?

Aeva is in oral therapy with a Speech Pathologist. Her SLP (the pathologist) helps teach Aeva and I ways to help Aeva learn to suck correctly. Her SLP is super awesome too..she is a huge advocate for Aeva, and has NO problem calling her pediatrician to make sure Aeva gets what she needs. Needless to say, I changed Aeva's pediatrician because he's an ass and wasn't doing ANYTHING for ANYTHING I said needed attention. I love her new pediatrician, he makes up for her previous doc's inattention.

Aeva is now on weekly weight checks. She was put onto Alimentum formula, for she stopped gaining weight mid-August. She has gained some weight since, but it is much slower. I guess slow and steady wins the race? Alimentum is a milk based formula that is broken down almost all the way so that the stomach does not have to work as hard to digest it for absorbtion. It is for children with sever colic, intestinal issues from prematurity, as well as protien sensitivities to both cow's milk protien AND soy.

Aeva now sees a pediatric gastroenterologist down at Vanderbilt. He's very good at his job, but his residents still have a lot to learn. Seriously: what GI doctor doesn't know about dream feeding? (it's textbook apparantly for a kid with reflux to eat best when asleep, and this resident DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!! wtf.)

She is on Prevacid once a day...this medicine is a proton pump inhibitor, which reduces the amount of stomach acid produced in the stomach. It also helps for erosive esophagitis, which is from puking so much. Simply stated, it will reduce the acid in her tummy and help her throat heal. She goes back Oct. 1 for a follow up, and he is also monitoring her weight to avoid any serious complications. I love this doctor because he would prefer to avoid surgery at all costs. As would we.

Aeva is making progress in her oral therapy. Yes, there are misreable days where she does nothing but SCREAM at bottles and not want to eat or be anywhere NEAR a bottle. Those days we go to her SLP's house.

Her most amazing achievement this week was progressing from her Haberman nipple, to a normal, Dr. Brown's nipple. The Haberman is a 2 phase bottle, where when she sucks on the nipple, it pulls milk from the bottle into the reservoir. It's for poor feeders, and is supposed to resemble breastfeeding. Dr. Brown's bottles are said to be good for reflux babies (for all you reflux baby mommies out there), and I concur with the research. So far, I really like them. She's also taking them, and she wouldn't take any other nipple besides the Haberman until this week! Yay!! She has a beautiful suck with this nipple, and now we really just have to work on her not being afraid of the bottle. (Meaning her reflux needs to be managed.)

She got oatmeal yesterday and did good with that. I made carrot baby food, and that didn't go so well. Maybe too thick? idk. She has an apppointment with her SLP tomorrow (After her weight check) and we'll start working on exercises for her mouth to grow muscles!

Last week she was 12lbs 4oz, on Wednesday.

Babies shouldn't cry for food and then cry more when given it.

Pediatricians should listen to mothers....we aren't as crazy as we seem.

I have twice said Aeva has a milk allergy...once in the hospital, and again with her pediatrician. Both times I was given a "no" without further exploration.

Rather than being concerned with how many patients they can see in a day, pediatricians should listen to mothers and be advocates for the children. Referrals should be done BEFORE they come life threatening. Practicing medicine should be preemptive, and not reactionary.

Aeva has been throwing up since she was 2 months old. At this point, her esophagus needs examining to determine the amount of damage that has been done. Her reflux has to be controlled, as well as the associated pain. When it doesn't hurt to eat, I'm sure that Aeva will begin to eat better.

Supposedly, there is no need for referrals for specialties when an infant is still growing. A 4 month old infant should be eating about 6-7 ounces 4-5 times a day. Aeva gets what she needs into her because she is fed 8-10 times a day. STILL. OF COURSE SHE IS STILL GROWING.

She needs another suck/swallow exam to make sure that she is not aspirating. If she still is, then WHY didn't the pediatrician hear it in her lungs, and we will have to thicken her formula. First, her reflux must be controlled.

Then there's the suspected milk allergy. Great. There is a formula that is hypoallergenic, and is for those who have difficulties with both cow's milk and soy protiens. It is delicate and much easier on the baby. Awesome. $30 per 12 ounce can, and she goes through about 14 a month. Sweet deal.

I just want it fixed. There is only so long that a mommy can watch her baby hurt and not eat. There's only so long that a mommy can survive. I like to think that only the best mothers are given the hardest tasks, but I'm not a phenominal mother, so I don't think I'd be picked.

There are days where I just want to cry because I can't handle this anymore and I just want it to be all fixed..but then I remember that she's come so far and she needs me to be strong and get her the help she needs. Then there are the times when she's asleep...so peaceful, so beautiful...so small, and so innocent...I want to protect her from the world's evils and make everything okay...I'm mommy and that's my job...and I feel absolutely terrible that she's been put through so much already in her life...she shouldn't have had to go through all this...I don't know how the conversation will go when I tell her about her birth and infancy...I know I will need a box of tissues, and I hope she understands that despite my frustration and meltdowns, I really tried. I dred the day I have to tell her that she very well may go through this herself if she decides to have kids. She has a chance of having a preemie herself...(maybe pictures of a 2lb baby will defer her from sexual activities? birth control?!) I still feel miserable that I couldn't give her the home she needed inside of me so that she could mature how she needed. There's still a part of me that thinks...knows...this is my fault. (But yes, I know, it's not...blah blah blah).

And then there's that moment when the compliancy with the bullshit of her doctors fades away, and impatience emerges...let's get this done, because no one involved wants to deal with this further.

Oh, and I totally stole the cigarettes of the smoking neighbors last night.

And I'm chopping off my hair tomorrow. Adios.

"Mommy Bloggers" and The Rest of Us

There was this article on cnn. com about "Mommy Bloggers" and whether or not they can be trusted. (http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/08/10/mommy.bloggers.ethics/index.html)

"Veteran Moms" think they know best, and they seem to think that new moms do not have any good advice for fellow new mothers. I call bullshit.

First of all, research has changed since our mothers became mothers, and the findings have resulted in new advice for new mothers. For example, my mother started us kids on cereal at around 3 months. Pediatricians say now to wait until ATLEAST 4 months, but prefer maybe 5 months or so. Being in the hospital for so long with Aeva taught Anthony and I lots of things that a baby care class or veteran mom wouldn't necessarily be able to teach us.

Do veteran moms warn younger mothers of signs of dehydration? Nope. Think about it: Do you know what they are?

Answer: As long as the infant's soft spot is not sunken in (you'll know), the skin doesn't tent (when you pinch it, does it stay up, or go right back down?), the baby makes 6-8 wet diapers a day, and the baby isn't lethargic (you'll know the different behavioral patterns), the baby is fine.

What about that putting vaseline on the baby's tushy will help prevent diaper rash? The vaseline keeps the moisture away from the butt, thus preventing rash. Awesome. Aeva is 6 months old, and has only had ONE diaper rash, and it was in the hospital. No rashes on my watch.

What veteran mom told us that? NONE OF THEM. The nurses did.

Veteran moms have good ideas, but let's face it, things have changed. When we hear what they "advise," a grain of salt and some modernization needs to be added.

As for these mommy sites, they suck. Momversation.com, TheMommyBlog.com, etc., are all reiterations of what news sites report, as well as what baby websites, like babycenter.com, say. They regurgiate information about breastfeeding, drowning, introducing solids, labor, etc. that other sites say. Do we really need 800 websites of the SAME THING?! Nope.

The Mommy blog sites also neglect mothers of premature infants. Babycenter.com and others, do not. Why do these Mommy Blogs neglect the hardest type of baby to care for? Term babies are not rocket science to care for. Have you ever fed a baby with a bottle aversion? A mother with a baby like that cannot just sit in front of the TV and feed her baby. Feeding now has become an artform.

Do these blog sites have mothers blog about preterm labor, pregnancy complications, post partum depression, or premature infants? Nope. Mothers interested in learning about, or having to deal with the above mentioned, must Google information for themselves.

If I only know how to get one going, as well as popular, I'd manage the blog site for mothers of Premature infants. There are mothers young and old out there who need to know about the genetic predispositions for prematurity and other complications, as well as signs of premature labor and whatnot.

Also, it seems to me that these "mothers" who run these sites are young, stay at home mothers, with nothing better to do. Since WHEN does a stay at home mom have NOTHING to do? I don't have anough hours in the day, between ONE graduate course, a PREEMIE baby, appointments, errands, and, oh yeah, HOUSEWORK. What's this "Alone time" or "me time" I keep hearing about? lol

Regardless of the stresses and bustle of each day, staying home with our baby is worth every single second. Besides, during burp sessions, I get to sit and blog about stupid annoyances.

Any other problemes are nothing that either a Xanax or an episode of Hannah Montana can't fix. LOL

Eating Disorder

Okay, so I was thinking I was going to have to deal with the typical teenage girl eating debacle when Aeva was older, but not know.

Aeva decided right before we left for the wedding that she was not going to. Well, at least make it a struggle to feed her. So I went with it. We changed positions, and it worked. Then she kept doing it while in New Jersey: perhaps she was unhappy in unfamiliar surroundings. When we came home, so continued not to eat. On and off, she would eat normally. She never showed any signs of dehydration, so I was not worried.

On July 14, the doctor said she'd grow out of it, and perhaps it was just a fluke. On August 4, her weight showed that she had only gained 12 ounces in 21 days. That's not good at all. That is suboptimal growth, and not a good sign. She needs to eat.

At her 6 month NICU developmental follow up, the neonatologist said that her growth was satisfactory, and for her "adjusted age" (3 months and 3 weeks) she was in the 10th percentile, which is amazing. She will not be up in the higher percentiles until about age 2, so 10 is perfect for now. They couldn't see the variations from appointment to appointment, but her growth from birth, to discharge, to that day, was fine.

The speech pathologist saw her, and saw her reaction to the presentation of a bottle. It only took her getting into position for her to be scared. She is relating eating to the pain of throwing up.

When she was in the hospital, they did all the tests looking for reflux, and none of them showed that she ever did. They said that that only meant that she wasn't refluxing at THAT moment.

Okaaay....so now what?

Each nurse practitioner said theat their babies also had reflux, or they knew of a baby, and that she'd just grow out of it. "She's just a puker." And oh, by the way, persisitent puking can erode her esophagus. Super.

It has come to that point. Her throat is raw from throwing up, and she doesnt want to eat because she knows it hurts. Great.

The medicine she needs is an acid pump blocker, which is only in clinical trials, and is an under the table prescription. The FDA has not approved Prilosec or Pepcid for infants under one year of age. With that, her pediatrician won't give them to her (which makes sense, he's covering his ass). We have to wait to get into the GI clinic down at Vanderbilt. We're waiting right now.

The speech pathologist recommended a place here in town that had oral motor feeding therapy.

SIGN HER UP.

Aeva started therapy the next day. Since I wasn't waiting for the insurance company to kick in, we paid for it out of pocket.

This lady is totally worth it. She knows her shit.

She said nothing that I hadn't tried already, but for some reason, NOW it works.

Within 2 days, Aeva is already showing signs of improvement. She needs to get her reflux under control before it is fixed, but I'm atleast getting food into her. She dream eats fine, and she is improving, ever so slightly, about eating while awake, like a good baby girl.

Maybe once she starts eating correctly again, she'll go through a big growth spurt!!

**************************************************************************

We're going to visit Anthony in Arizona for Labor Day Weekend and his birthday. Aeva and I will be flying there for the weekend. YES, I am totally and completely nervous about the germs and people and ICK of airports, but I'm always armed with hand sanitizer and sanitizing wipes for whatever we touch. Aeva got the approval from the doctor to go...it's not flu season so she'll be okay. Also, there are no studies proving that the recycled air on aircraft allows for cold transmission.

Mommy gets a spa day: I'm so excited. I don't know what to be more excited about: the fact we get to see Anthony, or that I get an afternoon at the spa. :-)

NICU Developmental Follow-Up/6 months Old

So this has been a busy week for Aeva and I: There has been an appointment everyday!

Her 6 month well-baby appointment went okay. The doctor was out of her immunizations, so I have to get some paperwork and take her down to post to get them. Other than that, she was approved to go on a trip to go see her daddy! It's not flu season yet, so both the doctor and I are less nervous about it. Okay, I'm nervous about travelling with an infant!!

Her 6 month NICU DEvelopmental Follow Up went phenominally! They looked at her social, cognitive, and physical development. She scored well within the normal range that was expected for her, and she is at minimum, a 4 month old (which is a little over a week older than her adjusted age). One score even had her as a 6 month old!!! These scores are not indicitive of later development, but it's a good start!

The Speech Pathologist saw her too, and recommended a therapy place here in town to help Aeva with her oral aversion. Aeva has associated eating with the pain that is caused by her throwing up. She has a referral to the gastroenterologist to look at her throat and tummy. Hopefully we can get her better.

We're trying solids to introduce new textures to her for the sake of making eating a fun event, rather than scary. So far, she enjoys the cereal, and has fun playing with the spoon attempting to "help" me feed her. We play when we have spoon feeding time, and so far she's not opposed to being spoon fed. BOTTLES, on the other hand, are a wee bit more difficult to get her to take. Some days she's willing to eat with little persuasion, others, it's a battle that I have to have with a smile on my face. SO, therapy starts tomorrow, keep your fingers crossed this works.

I guess it all can't be perfect. Yes, I, Naomi, concede that not everything can be how I want it, and some things are out of my control. It is out of my control that she's growing slowly. She's eating as much as I can get into her and its enough she IS growing, just not as much as desired. She grew 2 inches in 2 months. She's fine. So she's skinny. Her dad's family is all small, she never had a chance of being big.

I guess I can only do so much.

11 lbs 5.8 oz, August 6.

23.5 inches long

Bad Mommy Moment

To begin with, I would like to say that I hate diaper bags. They are intrusions on life. Not only is it uncomfortable to carry a diaper bag (ours is in backpack form, thank heavens), but a ginormous purse, and baby in carseat, but they are rarely needed. WTF is the point.

My first bad mommy moment was earlier this summer when I ran out of diapers when I was at my mom's house. No worries.

Anthony always tells me that I should carry it because of the "what if" situations: WHAT IF she decides to have an explosive poop and it gets everywhere? WHAT IF she decides to start teething or get a fever and needs tylenol? WHAT IF, WHAT IF....WHAT IF.

Whatever, it won't happen. Yeah, f*&^ing right. Well it did.

I went to lunch with my mom this afternoon, and Aeva decided to poop. She's been pooping small smounts frequently, so I wasn't worried. Well, when lunch was over, I noticed a brown spot on my jeans...where she was sitting. I had just placed her into the carseat, so I looked. Lo and behold, there was poop coming out of one side of her diaper in the front region. I had to laugh. Great. Not only is it ON ME, but its ON HER.

Honestly, I was surprised. She hasn't had an explosive poop in a long, long time. I took her home (I also have this thing about changing in public places, they are gross), and changed her.

IT WASN'T AN EXPLOSIVE DIAPER!!! She just aimed her poop to the side. It was more like a diaper malfunction than it was a "Bad Mommy Moment," which makes me feel better.

Just thought you all would get a kick out of that.

Lessoned Learned.

Mommy: 0 Daddy and Aeva: 1

Family Pics

We decided that we needed family pics too. Aeva hasn't had any professional pics done, and she's 5 months old, and big enough now I don't mind pictures.

Daddy with his little girl

Wedding

The classic shot
I hear this belongs in a bridal magazine

Daddy and his little girl


Thought I'd post some pics from the formal wedding on July 3.

Dear Aeva

1) If you read this, please make an account so that you can "follow" the blog, and that I can see who is reading this or not. Thanks.

Dear Aeva,

This is going to be ridiculous to you when, and if, you read this when you are older. What teenage girl likes to read things her mother wrote to her when she was an infant? I hope you do. I heard a phrase on a lame TV show today, and I'm going to take it and do it my way, to you, my little girl.

When babies are born, we are amazed at their little feet, their little hands, and the little miracle that they are. Some babies come into this world under extraordinary circumstances, and make their presence known. You, my dearest little girl, are one of those babies. You came into this world under the most extraordinary, stressful, traumatic, sporadic...and loving...situations.

Being a baby concieved merely on love during your dad's mid-tour leave from his second tour in Iraq, you've been special from conception. You're our souvenier from Daddy's leave. We wanted nothing more than to have you.

When it was decided that you were to come into the world, it was again love that brought us all through. Your daddy was there for me in every way, and we hoped we could keep you inside just a little longer...we wanted you to be okay. Making an entrance, your presense inside of me was hurting me as much as your birth was about to. I felt terrible you were coming early. It took a very,very, very, very long time for me to come to terms with your early birth. When you read this, I'll probably still cry talking about your entrance into this world.

You didn't coming out kicking and screaming, rather, you came out blue (at least that's what I hear). You took your first breathe and made the cutest little sound....and that sound allowed me to breathe. The subsequent three months were the hardest things your father and I had had to go through in our lives.

You were so small...yet so strong. You've had a presense about you since birth. Such a strong little girl, and so totally my hero. You're asleep on my chest right now after finishing a bottle; you're 5 months old. So little, and such a big girl to us already, and you have no idea how much you have already gone through. You truly are my hero, Aeva.

I hope on these little feet that one day you will be able to stand on them alone, successfully, from the tools we have taught you.

I hope on your cute little baby tushy, that when you fall, you know we'll always be here to help you get back up.

I hope that your tummy's hunger is never sacrificed to fit into a pair of jeans...I hope that we give you a good sense of self and self esteem that you do not fall into the media's scheme of targeting young girls into thinking they need to be skinny.

I hope your heart is open to love, and to be loved. I hope that you notice the love your dad gives you and I, and take his example and apply it towards whom you should marry. Your daddy is the only man who will ever love you NO MATTER WHAT. He will always protect you, and you will always be HIS little girl. Accept nothing less from another man, than the standard of which your dad has created.

I hope these bright blue eyes are open to see the world. I hope they are accepting to other cultures, people, and see the good in people, and in the world.

I hope these ears are open to listen...to the sounds of nature...to the sounds of disparate opinions that you inevitably will hear throughout your life.

I hope your mouth with speak nothing of goodness, intelligent thoughts, and eloquence.

And I hope that this mind of yours is open to learning new things...every day. To be openminded about new ideas, new places, new people. I hope you read...travelling the world, space, and time.

Most importantly, I hope that we give you the tools to do this on your own. I hope we teach you to enjoy new places, and new people. To appreciate differing cultures, times, and places.

I hope you learn from the wisdom everyone in your life has to give you. I hope you learn discipline and self control. I hope you learn compassion towards those not as fortunate as you, and appreciation for all that we give you.I hope you learn patience and honesty.

I hope you realize that Daddy and I are the only ones, really, the only ones, who will be here for you no matter what you do, right or wrong. We will support you in all your endeavours, and help you acheive your dreams. Just remember that they are YOUR dreams.

The best things in life come in small packages, and my sweet little girl, you were once a tiny package. You may be small, but you made an entrance into the world with all eyes on you. Never let those eyes off you, and make every day the best that you can. Live your life how YOU want to live it.

Love,

Mommy

July Weight Check

Aeva went to the doctor yesterday for a weight check. She was 10lbs 9.2 oz, which is up 4 ounces from her Thursday appointment. Despite her formula embargo and constant fight of eating, she's still gaining. Awesome! AND, I've been letting her sleep a FULL night, of 7-8 hours. How badass is that?!! During the day I feed her between every 1.5-3 hours, dependant on how much she ate at her previous feeding.

Whatever works, ya know. As long as the food gets into her and she grows, it's all worth it.

I started another class last week, the Graduate Seminar in American History. This is my last required course, and I have one elective left to complete the coursework for my MA in American History. My professor had premature twin girls the DAY BEFORE Aeva was born. Hi babies were only in the NICU for like 3 weeks (lucky lucky lucky). They are about two pounds more than Aeva right now, but they were also almost 2 pounds more at birth. It's super cool to see that we are not the only crazy parents about germs...he and his wife are crazy about them too. Seriously, what about babies makes people think that it's okay to touch them? Do people not realize that babies will put their hands in their mouths after your grimey hands touch them? EW. Stay away from my baby you Wal-Mart shopping, baby touching, wierdo. lol

School is hard. I had started two courses, but dropped one because there just aren't enough hours in the day, and it would be unfair to Aeva to devote my time to school rather than her. So one class it is. Besides, there's no rush anymore to finish this year. I can't apply for a PhD program to start the 2010 school year since we don't know where we will be stationed then. May as well take my time and keep my GPA up (its a 3.81) and devote more time to Aeva.

Right now my school problem is not know who, what, or when, in American HIstory to write about for my term paper. I have a week and a half to determine this, and I don't know. I don't know if I can do ten pages of biographical information. It gets boring ,you know. Grr.

And my friend Nikki just mentioned that this one lady had a blog about the "bad side of motherhood" meaning the stuff no one tells you, and when it went public, she made money from it so she didn't have to work anymore. Nikki had the idea of me becoming the voice of mothers of premature infants, making this blog public for everyone and anyone to read. I'm all for it. It's not as though I say anything on here that is rocket science or the solution to world peace.

I think it would be fun. Does anyone know how to make a blog public?

Aeva Update

So Aeva and I ventured the 915 mile trek to Anthony's home state of New Jersey for Anthony and my formal wedding this past weekend. One day prior to departure, Aeva decided to boycott eating, and rather than eat her normal 5 oz every 3 hours, she went to 2 or 3 oz every 3 hours. This went on the entire time we were in Jersey, and I thought that maybe it was the stress of the wedding from me, and that the stress of being in a new place with a lot (a LOT) of people was too much for her to handle.

When we came home, I thought it would get better, and it started to look as though it would. Thursday she ate well all day, but then Friday morning, she started screaming bloody murder again and the sight of a bottle.

Teething? Perhaps.

I took her to the doctor this afternoon, and he examined her, finding nothing physically alarming. Teething is not out of the question, but doc said that it more than likely would not cause her to fuss so much when she ate.

Her weight is right on target, with her weighing in at 10lbs 5 oz. She's at the age now that she should only be gaining 1-1.5lbs a month. If she continued to gain 2lbs/month, then she'd be over 20lbs at a year old, which is entirely too much.

We have a weight check again on Tuesday to check and make sure her food embargo isn't affecting her growth.

Until then, it's just my sanity that is at a loss.

Atleast she's not sick, and is doing fine.

Milestones

Most people aren't amused by the little things in life. Anthony and I, on the other hand, are amused by the little things that make us laugh. The majority of people who have babies do not monitor the progression of infant milestones. We, on the other hand, have been watching them since Aeva was first born.

When Aeva was first born, we were waiting to see her self soothe by finding her mid-line (draw a lvertical ine on your body at your bellybutton, and that's your midline). She found her midline, as well as went one step further and found her face.

These days, she's getting more and more advanced every day. She has been pushing up for a long time on our chests, but now, she's learning how to do it off the floor: she can almost do it!
She now will hold things placed in her hands, is making baby sounds and vowel sounds, is looking at things OTHER than Mommy curiously, and gets excited to do so. The other day I caught her reaching for something, but that is still accidental and not yet purposeful.

Everyday she's a new baby. She makes louder sounds, she kicks more, she flails her hands and arms more, she makes new sounds to communicate her needs. Yes, she's not where she should be for a four month old, but she's doing very well for being a preemie.

She LOVES Baby Einstien as well. She enjoys watching the bright movements and the other babies doing things. She gets excited during the videos, it is really cute to watch.

She also smiles now. Not often,but she does. Some days we'll sit on he floor and make faces at eachother. I'll make her smile, and that makes me laugh. My laugh makes her smile more, and attempt to laugh. It's super funny to watch, and it's great to watch her development, all at the same time.

Babies, when first born, clench their hands a majority of the time. As time goes on, a milestone is to see them sleep or sit with their hands more and more relaxed and open.
More and more often, I'll catch her with her hands open while she's chillin' or sleeping.

The little things in life have progressed from Anthony and I finding the humor in not so funny things, to sitting and watching Aeva sleep with her hands open...or listening to her make new sounds...or her grasping something new.

Right now she's trying to sleep in her bouncy seat, and she's got her little play keys in one hand. It's just too cute.

Update on Food

SO, the reflux medicine and the cereal in the formula failed to improve the puking situation. On Friday, June 5, Aeva had her 4 month well-baby visit where she had her physical and her shots. The weight on the scale that day showed 8lbs 5oz, which was down from Monday by 6 ounces. NOT GOOD. This weight showed suboptimal growth, which is terrible. The doctor wanted her back in a week to see her growth before taking the next step of referring her to a gastrointerologist to evaluate her stomach and intestines.

What a week. I was obsessive and stressed about her eating and weight gain the whole week. I even kept a journal of how much she ate and when, what each diaper was, and how many times she puked and how much.

This morning, June 11, we went in for a weight check...

drum roll please...


9lbs 2.2oz

Optimal growth! She left the hospital on May 8 weighing 7lbs, 3.3oz, so she is one ounce shy of gaining exactly 2lbs since discharge, 33 days ago! This growth is only about 4 ounces shy of what it should be, and is in the ideal range. No GI doc, no worries. So few worries that the doc wanted to see her at her next well baby, in 2 months! I, of course, thought that was too long to go, so we scheduled a weight check for in one month. July 14 Aeva will be weight again, with a target weight of just over 11lbs.

She SHOULD grow out of the puking, hopefully soon. Solids will be introduced most likely in September, her 5 months "adjusted" age, 7 months chronological. 3 months should give her enough time to mature a bit more and be able to take in and keep down some solid foods, cereals atleast.

To answer some questions;

1) Aeva eats from a Haberman nipple. It is specially designed for poor feeder babies. It allows that adult feeding her to control the flow she gets, rather than her controlling how much she gets. She's currently taking 4 oz about every 3 hours, keeping down a good 3.5oz. In about another week or 10 days, Ill up the amount she gets.
The doctor says that in teh "real world" people just feed their babies...well..I dont "just feed" her, I systematically increase the volume of her feeds as to not overwhelm her tummy. The last thing I need is MORE puke because she ate too much lol

2)She should out grow this. Keep your fingers crossed!


She is also developing nicely as she should. Everyday she moves more, and she has discovered the art of kicking her lower half! She's making 'real baby' sounds more and more each day, and is dicovering what toys are. She actually stares at them with a concerned look on her face wondering WTF those things are staring back at her. She's doing really well pushing up on the floor, she can almost do it well!!
Practice makes perfect, and she tries until she gets frustrated, and then I pick her back up. She does a good job.